


The Road We Take is the One We Make

by almostblue (fictionalaspect)



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Bang Yongguk Has Feelings, Canon Compliant, Complicated Relationships, Friendship/Love, Future Fic, Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 15:51:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2275608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalaspect/pseuds/almostblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's only in the private moments that sometimes has changed, and even that is almost imperceptible to the ear and to the eye. Himchan's normal state is touch-hungry but careless. His hands wander towards anything that looks interesting without the aid of his brain to interfere. But he touches Jongup less and less, now, in public, and Yongguk knows what that means. Himchan is only deliberate about his affections when there is true intent behind them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Road We Take is the One We Make

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rainingover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainingover/gifts).



> For Round 3 of [The Brownie Bunch](http://thebrowniebunch.livejournal.com/) gift fic exchange. 
> 
> Thank you so much to my lovely [michelleisat](http://archiveofourown.org/users/michelleisat/pseuds/michelleisat) for literally taking two whole days to talk this out with me and straighten out all the wonky bits <3 ilu <3333
> 
> Update: Okay, so in reading this back there are quite a few typos in this, to which I can only attribute to my total lack of time re: running the fest ///o\\\\\ I'll be updating this tomorrow to fix them, and I'll remove this notice when I do, but for now - Sorry, and if you do read, I hope my utter inability to wrangle my commas and quotation marks doesn't ruin the story for you /o\

It's nearly 3pm when Yongguk finally makes it back to the dorm. How long he's been awake he doesn't know; the cycles of day and night slip around them like fireflies, sweet and sharp and barely noticeable. 

The dorm is quiet and warm with the late-October sun when Yongguk slips through the door, closing it behind him and leaving his shoes in the communal pile near the entrance. Junhong is curled up on the couch and waves at him, says hello hyung, asks him about his studio time. Yongguk nods at him and smiles and tries to think of how to make words spill into sentences again. He's been alone all night and most of the morning with their music and his thoughts; talking doesn't come as easily to him as it did twelve hours earlier.

Daehyun and Youngjae are nowhere to be found, out enjoying a rare day off in the sunshine, and so Yongguk quietly pads down the hallway and slips into Himchan and Jongup's room. Their curtains are closed against the glare but the room is warm, and both of them are asleep in Himchan's bed. 

Yongguk shucks his T-shirt and jeans and steps across the mess carefully, until he reaches Jongup's empty bed. There are few places where Yongguk can actually sleep, and his own bed isn't normally one of them. 

Jongup's pillow smells like hair dye and the faint freesia scent of Himchan's expensive shampoo that he swears is what keeps his hair from falling out. Yongguk lays down on it and closes his eyes and listens to the sound of both of his friends breathing softly. They echo each other one like one heartbeat, tripping in double time. Jongup is lying on his back and Himchan is on his side and their limbs are vaguely entangled in a way that suggests accident and not intention. As though maybe they'd been talking and just fallen asleep between one word and the next, Himchan murmuring into his pillow and Jongup nodding sleepily in reply. 

Yongguk breathes in, and breathes out, and tries to fall into the rhythm. He falls asleep thinking about heartbeats, and how many times the blood can echo through his own veins until his breathing rings in time. 

==

Yongguk smokes, now, and Himchan doesn't, in an odd role-reversal of their previous addictions. Himchan had given it up for the band, replacing cigarettes with espresso and small white squares of vile-tasting gum. Ironically, he'd replaced a private addiction for a public one and eventually the fans had noticed. They'd begged and pleaded for him to stop drinking so much coffee. Out of concern for his health, they said--that much caffiene couldn't be good for anyone. Please, Himchan oppa. Rest more, and take care of yourself. 

Now, Yongguk is the one who smokes, slipping behind buildings guiltily like Tasha used to do. He's not proud of his habit. Junhong and Jongup both wrinkle their noses at him afterwards, staying silent but telegraphing their concern all the time. 

Now, Yongguk is the martyr, while Himchan has limited himself to two Americanos a day and replaced the rest with Moon Jongup. 

==

Yongguk isn't supposed to know about it--no one is supposed to know about it--but he's known Himchan too long for it to be anything but obvious, and Himchan had seemed to accept that with surprisingly equanimity. Despite all of Himchan's declarations of romance and flowers when they're on camera, Yongguk knows that when Himchan really cares about something, he keeps the most important parts secret. In front of everyone else, Himchan and Jongup are still the same; an oddly-matched pair, hyung and dongsaeng, Himchan's incessant chatter and Jongup's quiet amusement. 

It's only in the private moments that sometimes has changed, and even that is almost imperceptible to the ear and to the eye. Himchan's normal state is touch-hungry but careless. His hands wander towards anything that looks interesting without the aid of his brain to interfere. But he touches Jongup less and less, now, in public, and Yongguk knows what that means. Himchan is only deliberate about his affections when there is true intent behind them. 

==

They are in Hong Kong for another festival and Himchan rooms with Yongguk, like always. Yongguk waits until he's sure they're alone and then all he says is, "I don't mind switching with Junhong." 

"What?" Himchan takes his sunglasses off, peering over at Yongguk curiously. "Why would you want to do that?"

Yongguk shrugs. "Privacy?"

"Privacy for what?"

Yongguk feels himself smile. There's an ache somewhere, deep in his bones, one that's been growing until it feels like it might swallow him up, but that's not Himchan's problem. "Channie…"

"Oh," Himchan says. He takes a deep breath, looking away. "That." 

"You don't have to say anything," Yongguk says. "I can just switch with Junhong. We have lyrics to work on anyway." 

"No," Himchan says. "Don't. If I wanted to room with Jongguppie, I would have said something." 

Yongguk frowns, but keeps his silence. 

"It's, um," Himchan says. "It's sort of--"

"You don't have to tell me." 

"Maybe I want to tell you," Himchan says, slightly defiant. "Why, do you not want to hear it? Does it bother you?"

"I don't care what you do," Yongguk says. He tries to soften the words but they come out sharp anyway, knife-edged and sullen. He sounds like a petulant teenager and he resists the urge to curse under his breath. 

"Fine," Himchan says. He stands up, tugging Yongguk over to one of the beds, and then pulls and arranges them until they're comfortably tangled up together. Himchan rests his bony chin on Yongguk's shoulder. "We're having sex." 

"I noticed," Yongguk says. 

"It's pretty good." 

"Okay." 

"Are you jealous?" 

Yongguk makes a face. "Why would I be jealous?" he says.

"Because I'm your best friend," Himchan says. "And Jonguppie is everyone's favorite and you like hanging out with him and you guys have some kind of mental connection napping thing." 

Yongguk shrugs, looking up at the ceiling. "He's calming," he says, after considering his words carefully. "I feel like he always understands me." 

"I always understand you," Himchan says. "Even when you think I don't." 

"Naw," Yongguk says. He bumps Himchan's shoulder, so Himchan knows it's not meant to be an insult. "You get mad at me for stuff." 

"So? I get mad at everyone for stuff," Himchan says. "I'm a very impatient person under my handsome and good-natured exterior." He grins as he says it, wide and amused, and Yongguk laughs. 

"You know what I mean," Yongguk says. He watches idly as Himchan picks one of his hands and starts to play with their fingers, linking them together, smoothing his own calloused thumbs over Yongguk's thin knuckles that always crack too much in the winter. "I know I'm frustrating." 

"And Jonguppie and I don't care," Himchan says, switching to both hands so he can massage the inner curves of Yongguk's palm. "You should try to remember that more often." 

"I'm not going to get in the way," Yongguk says. "You don't need a third wheel." 

"This isn't a third wheel situation. Technically, I'm pretty sure we have about four 'third wheels', plus the entire crew."

"I just don't--" Yongguk doesn't know what he wants to say. He wants to say that he's happy that Himchan is happy, that whatever they're doing is working for them, because it quite obviously is. He wants to say that he's lonely and slightly jealous and he wishes that he were part of it, somehow, even if he knows that impossible. Even if that would bring the whole thing crashing down. "You should do what makes you happy," Yongguk says finally, sighing in pleasure as Himchan switches to massaging Yongguk's other hand. His fingers have been cramping lately, and the touch and pressure feels wonderful. "I just don't want you to worry about me. And I don't want to get in the way." 

"If you were in the way, I would have pushed you _out_ of the way a long time ago," Himchan says. "I'm very selfish, you know." 

"Mmhmm," Yongguk says, trying not to smile as Himchan continues to work his magic on the sore and aching joints of Yongguk's right hand. "Of course. Very selfish." 

==

"Hi hyung," Jongup says, two days and six hours later, quite nearly giving Yongguk a heart attack in the middle of the night at the studio. Yongguk jump in his chair, spinning around to blink at Jongup in confusion, He hadn't even realized he'd been dozing off at the soundboard. 

"It's late," Yongguk says. "What are you still doing up?"

Jongup shrugs. "You need to sleep," he says authoritatively. "The couch in the practice room is free. Junhong and Daehyun and Youngjae just went back to the dorms to sleep for a bit."

"What about Channie?" 

"Practicing the piano," Jongup says. "But I'm tired, and so are you. Come nap." 

"You just want to talk about something," Yongguk yawns, standing up and setting his coffee down. His skin feels jittery, stretched too thin over his muscles. "You just want to know if black holes really do create gravity, or something." 

"Do they?" Jongup says, perking up. 

"I don't know," Yongguk says. "That was rhetorical." 

"Imagine if all holes had gravity," Jongup says, looking thoughtful. "We wouldn't be able to walk anywhere. You'd just get sucked into places all the time. Like a vacuum." 

"What?" Yongguk says.

"Holes," Jongup says. "If a black hole has gravity, then why don't all holes have gravity? Like the ones in the street and stuff." 

"Maybe the gravity is hiding behind the manhole covers," Yongguk says. He follows Jongup down the brightly lit hallways of their building. He's not really sure what he's saying, but it's 4am and that's fairly normal for a conversation with Moon Jongup, anyway. 

"Then you should be careful around the open ones," Jongup says. "Like the ones down the road that they're fixing. I don't want you to fall in." His eyes crinkle at the corners when he smiles. "We'd never see you again." 

"Maybe i'll just end up in another dimension," Yongguk says, opening the door to their practice room and flopping down tiredly on the couch. 

"If you do, you have to let me know," Jongup says seriously. He squishes himself between Yongguk and the rest of the couch cushions, pillowing his hands behind his head so they can both fit. 

"I'd be in another dimension," Yongguk says. "It doesn't work like that." Jongup's sweatshirt smells warm and familiar. Yongguk doesn't even remember when they began taking naps like this; it's been years, since they were both trainees at the very least. Since Jongup had been young enough to unabashedly want someone to cuddle with as he slept, and to voice that desire out loud.

"You'd find a way," Jongup says, tucking his toes behind Yongguk's knee and resting his head on Yongguk's shoulder. "You always do." 

==

Himchan is lying on Yongguk's bed, drunk and sprawling, taking up most of the mattress while he pokes at social media things on his tablet. 

"Bbang," Himchan says, the word slurring a little at the edges. "Bbang you have to seee this." 

"I'm writing," Yongguk answers. He's equally drunk and lying down sounds wonderful but he just has this one lyric he has to write down, this one verse he can't get out of his head and which won't leave him alone until he presses the words onto paper. 

"It's amazing," Himchan says, giggling softly. "They--they photoshopped our heads on to--"

"Nope," Yongguk says, his fingers flying across the page, handwriting be damned. He'll decipher it tomorrow. "Don't want to see it." 

"Oh come on," Himchan says, flopping onto his stomach. "You're no fun. Besides, they gave you a _huge_ dick." 

"I'm very honored," Yongguk answers dryly. 

"Seriously," Himchan says. "Like. Like porn star dick. Although I guess. I guess these guys are probably porn stars. I mean, not us. The guys in the picture. With our heads on them." 

"Well," Yongguk says. "If they're fucking, then yeah." 

"Mmm." Himchan pokes at his tablet some more. "Did you ever want to do that?"

"What?" Yongguk frowns, looks up from his writing, lyrics suddenly forgotten. The room seems to wave and spin in time with his heartbeart. Too fast and too nervous, like Himchan has suddenly spoken a secret that they'd agreed never to tell. "What did you say?"

"I said, did you ever want to," Himchan murmurs. He's not making eye contact, half-lidded as he ignores Yongguk in favor of the internet. "I'm just curious." 

"That's not the kind of thing you can just ask someone," Yongguk says, standing up from his desk. He reaches down into his mini-fridge and pulls out another beer. "Himchan. You can't just--"

"Why does it matter?" Himchan says, looking up at him suddenly. His mouth is red and wet and his hair is a mess and Yongguk wants to kiss him and this is bad, code red, time to run and hide from the sirens. "I want to know." 

"Because--" Yongguk says. He tries to collect his thoughts. "Because if I say no, then you'll be...hurt. And if I say yes, then it's...weird." 

"It's not that weird," Himchan says. "I think about having sex with everyone." 

"You would." 

"I have definitely thought having sex with every single person in this band," Himchan says, and Yongguk chokes on his beer. He sputters, coughing and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "The _maknae_?" Yongguk says, giving Himchan a horrified look. 

"Oh fuck off, don't tell me _your_ sex dreams always make sense," Himchan says. "Remember when you told me about that one with all of 2NE1 and the ice cream and the--"

"Okay, okay," Yongguk says, shaking his head. "Yeah. Point." He takes a long sip of his beer and then suddenly the impact of Himchan's statement slams into his brain, clear as day. 

"Oh," Yongguk says. "Um." 

"Yeah," Himchan says. "So. Whatever. I just want to know." 

"I'll tell you," Yongguk says. "I'll tell you if you tell me about your dream about me. Was it super weird?" 

"Uhmmm," Himchan says, screwing his nose up adorably. "I think there were puppies. At some point. But that was before we were having sex." 

"Was it good sex?"

Himchan kicks him in the shin, snorting in amusement. "You're avoiding the question." 

Yongguk sighs. 

"Okay," he says. "Fine. Yes. I have." 

"I knew it," Himchan crows, like he's won a prize. "HAH. I knew it." 

"Oh, jesus," Yongguk says. "Was this some kind of a bet? I'm going to fucking kill you, I swear to god--"

"It's not a bet," Himchan says. His smile is catlike and pleased. "I just wanted to know. And I thought the answer was yes, because sometimes you're super weird in the mornings, but Jongup said that that wasn't really proof of anything." 

"Great," Yongguk says. "So now you're going to go tell your boyfriend that I'm having sex dreams about you. Or--that I _have_ ," he corrects awkwardly. Himchan cocks an eyebrow at him and Yongguk knows he's been found out. He drinks more of his beer. 

"He's not my boyfriend," Himchan says. "He's my Jongup." 

Yongguk blinks at Himchan for a moment. 

"It's complicated," Himchan says eventually. He purses his lips at something on his screen, his fingers flying over the touchscreen keyboard. "I don't know what we are."

"Wait," Yongguk says, as a thought suddenly occurs to him. "Wait. Are you like. Are you trying to _seduce_ me? Is that what this is?"

Himchan gives him an exceedingly unimpressed look.

"If I wanted to seduce you, we'd already be naked and you'd be coming down my throat right now," Himchan says, shaking his head and fumbling over the side of the bed for his beer. "Jesus. Give me a _little_ credit." 

==

Himchan falls asleep in Yongguk's bed that night, snuffling softly to himself as he drunkenly cuddles Yongguk's pillow. Yongguk slips into Himchan and Jongup's room instead and jerks off, quiet and guilty, hiding his own shame under Himchan's covers. Jongup is fast asleep and so Yongguk closes his eyes and lets that shiver run through him, over and over, the same shiver that had shot down his spine at Himchan's careless words. _We'd already be naked and you'd be coming down my throat._

Yongguk doesn't mean to, he doesn't mean to at all, but suddenly his eyes are open and he's staring at Jongup's profile and wondering if that's what they do--if that's what Himchan does, crawling into Jongup's bed at night, kissing his way down Jongup's body in time with long, luxurious strokes of his hand. If Jongup pulls his hair and Himchan moans, his mouth already full, thick fingers sinking into Jongup's smooth thighs. If that's what they do, if---

\--Yongguk comes. 

==

Yongguk avoids everyone for the rest of the week, showing an equal opportunity misanthropy to anyone and everyone he comes in contact with. They practice, practice, practice, hours and hours on end, and when they're done he grabs two Red Bulls from the company fridge and heads to the studio, ignoring the concerned murmurs behind him. He's not interested in concern right now. He's interested in ignoring himself and ignoring the world, and the best way for him to do that is to lose himself in the thing he loves most. 

It's not a week spectacularly different from any other week, really, except that he doesn't make the effort to smile, to communicate, to reassure people that he's okay and they're okay and the band and the the album and their promotions are going okay. They're going back to Japan in five days; Yongguk will crack his own shell and emerge from his solitude then. 

For now, he just wants to be alone. 

==

Tasha likes to text him when she's closing up the shop, because she knows he'll be awake. His phone vibrates in his pocket at 3am one morning, and instead of ignoring it or dealing with it later as he usually does, he sits back from his computer with a sigh and pulls it out from his pocket.

_Hey little bro, if you're dead I'd like to know so I can steal your puppy away from Yongnam_

Yongguk snorts. He texts back,

_Not dead. Just working. If u steal Tigger I will come and find u_

_Don't threaten your noona. She owns lots of needles and knows how to use them._

Yongguk laughs quietly to himself, smiling as he texts her back. 

_I wish u could use them more often_ , he says. my chestpiece is already healed. I want another one.

Natasha sends him back a teary face. _That's my boy~~~ such a proud noona_. Then another text arrives, quick on the heels of the first one. _So why are you being a dick to everyone anyway_.

Yongguk sighs. _himchan?_

_He's worried about you_

_hes always worried abt me_

_Don't be an asshole, Yongguk. What's wrong?_

Yongguk frowns down at his phone, wondering how to answer. The problem with Tasha's question is that he's not sure how to answer it, even to himself. What's wrong is that he feels guilty and angry and frustrated, sick of himself and his own feelings. What's wrong is that he wants to crawl out of his own skin and he barely even understands _why_.

 _i don't know whats wrong. its hard 2 explain,_ he texts back, hoping it will be enough. 

_Ohhhh,_ Tasha texts back. _So it's about a girl._

Yongguk sets his phone down, carefully. He scrubs his hands over his eyes and takes a long sip of his Red Bull and tries to figure out if this is the time, if this is the cliff he needs to jump off of, right here and right now. If 3am is the right time for confessions that threaten to spill out of him like water flooding the streets in a storm.

_what if its not a girl_

There's a long pause after he sends the message. Yongguk swallows, and he's about to put his phone back in his pocket and get back to work when it buzzes again.

 _I was wondering when you'd finally say something_.

_what?_

Natasha texts back. _We don't have to talk about it. But thx for telling me._

_what do u mean i dont have to explain_

_Yongguk..._

His phone rings, sudden and loud in the silence. Yongguk startles, pressing the answer button without thinking. 

"Yongguk," Natasha says, and Yongguk can hear the jingle of keys over the phone, can hear the sounds of her locking the studio for the night and heading up to the apartment she shares with Chulo. "I mean you don't have to explain. I know. I've known for a long time. I'm not _blind_."

"I don't..." Yongguk shakes his head, feeling slow and stupid. His stomach aches with a thin, gnawing pain. "Tell me what you think you know, because I'm not sure I get it.

"You're in love with Himchan," Tasha says, going for straight and blunt as usual. She's corralled it over the years, softened it, but she still doesn't fuck around when someone asks her a direct question. "You have been for a really long time. It's okay. I don't care."

Yongguk stares out into the half-light of his studio, seeing nothing. His stomach twists. "What?"

"Oh, come on," Tasha says. Her voice is gentle. "Yongguk, it's been almost 4 years. Didn't you ever look at your relationship with him and think, maybe this is a little unusual?"

"We're best friends," Yongguk says. His voice sounds hollow. "He--I didn't. Um. I mean. I didn't...have one before. You know that." 

"I know. But just listen to me, okay? It's alright. It happens."

"It's not alright," Yongguk says, his voice suddenly twisting of its own accord, sharpening to a thin line. "He's dating Jongup. Even if that was true, it wouldn't matter."

Tasha blows out a breath. Yongguk can hear the click of a lighter, and the sudden crackle of flame from her cigarette. He pictures her standing on her tiny upstairs porch, leaning on the railing while she smokes and talks on the phone. It's a familiar image. 

"I didn't know that," Tasha says. "He didn't say anything."

"He wouldn't," Yongguk says. "He says they're not dating, but. I mean. They share a room and they sleep in the same bed, and they--" he can't quite bring himself to say it. Not to his _sister_. "They, um. You know."

"Right." Tasha hums thoughtfully. "Well. That complicates things."

"Fuck," Yongguk says, at everything and nothing. Maybe at this entire conversation. "This whole thing is so fucked up. What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know," Natasha says. "Is this about Himchannie, or is that about Himchan and Jongup?"

"Fuck." 

"Stop swearing, you'll end up like your noona," Tasha says. "Look. I don't know, okay? I have no fucking idea. But you should just do what you want, and fuck what everyone else thinks, okay? That shit doesn't matter." 

"I need a cigarette," Yongguk says, standing up and fumbling in his pockets, checking for his pack and his lighter. His stomach feels like he's just swallowed vinegar. "I need--"

"You need to calm down and get some sleep," Tasha says. "When was the last time you slept? Be honest."

"Thursday," Yongguk says, walking down the hallway towards one of the side exits. "I think." 

"When do you leave for Japan?"

"Saturday night." 

"Then after this, you go home and you take one of those pills the doctor gave you and you get some sleep," Tasha says, in a no-nonsense tone. "I don't care how much you hate them. That's an order. Your brain needs time to, like. Process shit." 

Yongguk pushes open the side exit, a cigarette already clenched between his teeth. "They make my brain feel all weird," he mutters, tucking the phone between his ear and his shoulder and flicking his lighter.

"Don't care," Tasha says. "This is the sound of your noona not caring. Get some sleep."

"Fine." Yongguk sucks in a long drag. "Okay."

"Good. And call me again when you get a chance. Before you leave for Japan."

"Okay."

"And now I have to go," Tasha says. "Chulo's waiting on dinner for me. But don't think too hard about it, okay? Just get some rest." 

"Yeah," Yongguk says. 

"Love you," Tasha says, like she always does before she hangs up. Yongguk repeats the words back to her, and then nods and hangs up. 

Yongguk sighs, closing his eyes and leaning back against the rough brick side of the building. His brain feels twisted and sore and he knows he's not going to get any more work done tonight. He should probably just take Tasha's advice. 

He really hates those damn sleeping pills. 

==

"You look better," Himchan says, eyeing Yongguk closely when he stumbles out of his room the next morning. "Did you finally get some sleep?"

"Mmmpgh," Yongguk mumbles, heading straight for the coffee pot. Their aparment is loud and raucous; everyone is packing, calling out to each other between rooms, accusing one another of stealing their favorite shirt, asking for opinions on what to wear to the airport. Youngjae ducks underneath Yongguk's arm as he's pouring himself a cup of coffee, holding out his own mug for a refill. He's wearing loafers, polka dotted socks, and bright red boxer shorts.

"I think you should wear that to the airport," Himchan says, nodding at Youngjae. "It's very editorial." Youngjae just laughs, trailing sleepily back to his own room and blowing on his mug as he goes. 

"Did you try those sleeping pills again?" Himchan says, once Youngjae has left the kitchen. 

"Mmm," Yongguk says. His head feels like it's bound in soft cotton; his thoughts come thick and dripping and slow. "Yeah. Tasha made me." 

"Good," Himchan says, sounding pleased. 

"No thanks to you," Yongguk yawns. Bits and pieces of his conversation last night are coming back to him; something to do with Natasha and Himchan and both of them fussing over him like mother hens. 

"Best friends take care of each other," Himchan says, leaning into give Yongguk a large, smacking kiss on the cheek. Yongguk frowns, wiping away the spit and flapping a hand weakly in Himchan's direction. 

"You're so cute when you're not awake yet," Himchan laughs. Yongguk growls in his general direction. 

"Okay," Daehyun says, stepping into the kitchen. "Okay. Hyungs. This one, or this one?" He holds up two shirts; one bright and patterned, the other black with a pattern of neat embroidery near the cuffs and collar. 

"The black one," Yongguk mumbles.

"Was one of them a fan gift?" Himchan asks. 

"They both were," Daehyun says. 

"Are you wearing those pants?"

"Yeah." 

"Okay," Himchan says, nodding. "The black one. But you need something else. Something...I don't know. Let me come with you, I bet Junhong has something." He follows Daehyun back down the hallway to his and Junhong's room, his sweatpants riding low on his hips. 

Yongguk eyes the view, tantalizing and tempting, a stripe of pale skin near Himchan's hipbones. 

He sips his coffee.

==

The ride to the airport is breezy and sunny and even behind his dark sunglasses, necessary for airport visits, Yongguk's head feels lighter. It feels as though something has been stripped away inside him, something tight and twisted that he wasn't aware he was holding onto. His memory is coming back, slowly but surely, in drips and waves, and yet somehow underneath the bright Seoul sun the ennui of the past week doesn't seem so important anymore. 

They film segments for their next Japanese release in the van, standing outside the airport, waving at the cameras and their fansite masters and other fans. Jongup gets lost in the airport once they're past the security gate and Yongguk has to go find him; when he does, Jongup smiles, bright and blinding. Yongguk tugs on his wrist and Jongup comes willingly, leaving behind whatever had distracted him. 

They're seated together on the plane, too, and Yongguk finds himself unconcerned about this change in routine. Himchan switches with Junhong for an aisle seat but otherwise makes no complaints, and so Yongguk pulls out his laptop and considers how to spend the next few hours. 

Jongup is tapping away at his tablet, playing some game in Japanese that looks a lot like Pokemon.

"You've been practicing?" Yongguk says, leaning over to watch as Jongup taps and buttons flash and bright orbs dance with practiced motions across the screen.

"Not really," Jongup says. 

"Then how do you know what it's saying?"

"I don't." Jongup grins at him. "It's more fun that way. You want to try?"

Yongguk frowns, taking the tablet carefully. "I'm not very good at these," he reminds Jongup. "I might ruin your game." 

"You can't ruin my game," Jongup says. "All you have to do is move these colors here. The hearts give you more health. And don't die, that's bad." 

"Right." Yongguk hides a smile. He pokes a yellow circle and matches it to another yellow circle. Numbers flash and glow and suddenly there is a bright burst of light and one of Jongup's 'enemies' is gone from the screen, turned into a wiggling, dancing polka dotted egg.

"Oh," Yongguk says, blinking. "I did it right?" 

"Yup," Jongup says. He leans over. "Here." He taps his fingers on the screen, swirling colors and shapes with practiced intensity until there is more flashing, more damage, and then the dungeon is moving forward. "You'll get the hang of it. When those characters pop up, you can use their special attacks. And there's a map on the screen, see, so you can see which elements are strong against other elements."

"Ah."

"It's called Pazuro Ando Doragonzu," Jongup says. "I figured if our Japanese fans saw me playing it, they would be happy." 

"Isn't Pokemon Japanese?"

"Yeah," Jongup says. "But this is really popular right now. Also, there's more dragons." 

"Right." 

"And I have an ogre that can kill things for me." 

"Right." 

"He's two colors and he has spikes on his head because he's in his Ultimate Evolution form," Jongup says proudly. Yongguk laughs, almost missing the flight attendant who is standing patiently next to them, waiting for their drink orders before takeoff.

"It's a very impressive ogre," he tells Jongup seriously, after the flight attendant has brought back their sodas.

"I like him." Jongup shrugs. "You should play more. We'll take turns. Then when they ask you questions later on you can talk about it in the interviews." 

"Don't you want to talk about it?" Yongguk says, giving Jongup a quizzical look. "Isn't that why you started playing." 

Jongup shrugs. "They'll take pictures," he says, ducking his head. 

There's a warm fondness growing in Yongguk's chest, and he doesn't think it has anything to do with the temperature on the plane. 

"Thanks," Yongguk says, even though he knows that half the reason Jongup is suggesting this is that he just doesn't like to talk in interviews. Yongguk doesn't like to talk either, but he has his responsibilities. This is something small and funny and amusing that he can say, something that the fans will enjoy. This is a tiny gift, Moon Jongup-style. 

"Tell me more about your characters," Yongguk says, and Jongup leans in close and smiles and begins to explain.

==

Autumn in Japan is beautiful. Even in the small glimpses they catch between lines of traffic and the crush of high-rise buildings, they can see the clusters of yellow and orange and green foliage in small parks and outdoor plazas. 

"The word for that," Himchan says, peering out the window and snapping his fingers, trying to remember. "Youngjae-yah, do you remember the word for that? For when the trees change color?"

"Kouyou," Youngjae says, trying to untangle his headphones from inside his backpack.

"Okay," Himchan says, typing it into a new note on his iPod. 

"Wait," Youngjae says. "Wait, what's the word for 'tree'?"

"Tsuri," Himchan says, still tapping away. 

"No, like those trees, the maples," Youngjae says, craning his neck and pointing out the window. 

"Irohamomiji," Junhong says, from the very back of the bus. Both Youngjae and Himchan turn and look at him in surprise. "Or Momiji. I don't remember which one is right." He blinks slowly back at their surprised stares. "What? They're pretty."

Youngjae grins. "Hyung, can you write that one down, too?" he says to Himchan, finally pulling his headphones apart. "I think we'll need it if we're going to talk about all the pretty colors." 

"Mmm," Himchan says. "Definitely. You know the first ten questions are always about the weather and the season."

"And then the food," Daehyun says, tapping his fingers on Youngjae's knee. "Don't forget the food."

"Right," Himchan says. "What's the big thing right now? Pears?"

"Matsutake dobin mushi," Daehyun says. "Mushroom soup. We had it last year, remember? And the sanma, the one that's grilled with the salt...and the shinmai rice with the ginko nuts..."

"Okay," Himchan says. "Daehyun, you get to talk about the food. That chestnut soup was delicious, though. I don't know how I forgot about that." 

"We've been to sixteen countries this year," Yongguk points out, listening to the conversation with amusement from the front seat. "I think the interviewer will forgive you for not remembering how to say 'mushroom soup' in Japanese."

"Not in Japan," Daehyun says sagely. 

==

They have two photoshoots and six interviews scheduled back to back, or rather, scheduled in between each other, overlapping and intersecting like strange puzzle pieces. Yongguk gets made up, stares into camera lenses, changes clothing six times, films sequences for their ever-present Behind the Scenes content, gives his own solo interviews for magazine features with the help of their Japanese translator. Across the giant room, he can see Jongup and Junhong getting their hair done, Himchan laughing with a female radio personality, Daehyun posing against a patterned background for the cameras, and Youngjae shoveling convenience store ramen into his mouth with Kang hyung, taking advantage of a 15 minute break to refuel.

They don't make it to their hotel until after 1am, at which point Himchan shoves his suitcase through the doorway and immediately starts bemoaning the state of his general cleanliness.

"I'm showering first," Himchan says, stripping off his clothing with casual disregard. "I'm covered in makeup and I'm all sweaty from those lights and my hair is all crunchy--"

"You don't have to make excuses," Yongguk says, smiling at the familiar tirade as he sits down on one of the beds. "You know I always let you shower first anyway."

"It's not showering first if someone else doesn't shower after you," Himchan says, giving Yongguk an arch look. "Don't think you're getting away with that tonight. I'm tired, but I'm not so tired that I can't shove you into the bathroom when I'm done."

"Mmm," Yongguk says. He's alternating between playing Jongup's game (now newly installed on his own iPod, after he'd found it just as strangely addictive as he'd been warned) and sneaking glances at Himchan's increasing nudity. 

"I'm serious," Himchan says. "You know you have oily skin. You have to wash your face tonight, otherwise tomorrow morning you'll be--" he cuts himself off in the middle of his own sentence, giving Yongguk an odd look. "Why are you staring at me like that?"

"I'm---what?" Yongguk says, blinking and trying to catch up. He rewinds the past several seconds in his head. Himchan taking his boxer shorts off and dumping them on top of his suitcase, Himchan rummaging around and and going on about something or other while looking for his shower bag, Himchan standing up and...oh. 

"No," Yongguk replies, several beats too late to be believable. 

"Ugh," Himchan says, grimacing. He picks up one of the hotel towels, wrapping it around his waist and his stomach. "Don't stare at me right now, I'm all gross." 

"I think you look good," Yongguk hears himself say, as if from far away. "I mean. You look better naked than _I_ do."

Himchan's mouth quirks up. "What?"

"Uh," Yongguk says. He looks back down at his tablet. His tiny, brightly colored monsters offer him no respite. "I mean. I'm all weird and bony and stuff. You look nice."

"Thanks," Himchan says. "I think. Unless you're calling me fat." 

"I'm telling you I think you look nice," Yongguk says. He can feel his face flushing. He doesn't even know how he managed to get himself into this one. He has to start paying more attention to what he says when he's overtired. "And no. You're not fat. There is no possible universe in which you are fat." 

"...Okay," Himchan says. His face is scrunched up in what Yongguk recognizes as his 'trying not to laugh' expression. "Then I'm going to go shower. With my apparently super-hot self." 

"Christ, I'm going to kill you," Yongguk mutters, frowning as he stares down and stabs at his tablet.

"No you won't!" Himchan's voice calls out through the open bathroom door, just as the water turns on. His voice is tinged with unmitigated glee. "You think I'm super hot!"

"I think you're dumb and annoying and you talk too much!" Yongguk yells back. 

Himchan just laughs as he steps under the spray

==

Yongguk wakes up the next morning, naked, bleary-eyed, and to the distinct smell of American-style pancakes. 

"Squish over," Himchan says suddenly, far too close to Yongguk's ear. Yongguk makes a yelping noise, leaning over the side of the bed and grabbing for a pair of boxer shorts. The movement pushes the covers down and makes his naked ass stick out, but Yongguk figures it's better than the alternative, which is some very firm morning wood. 

"Please," Himchan says, sounding amused. "Like I haven't seen it before." 

"I haven't," Jongup says, sounding intrigued.

Yongguk yanks the covers up over his ass, to the sound of both Himchan and Jongup's laughter. When he's finally managed to cover up his dick, he turns around gives both of them a baleful look.

"Why?" Yongguk says, sounding petulant even to his own ears. 

Himchan just shrugs. "We didn't think you'd suddenly become a nun," he says, licking his own fork with obvious glee. "Sorry. Your breakfast tray is on the table over there."

"Coffee," Yongguk manages, falling back against the pillows. He's not sure he's ready for breakfast yet. Mostly he needs coffee. Coffee and perhaps a large helping of sanity. 

"Hyung, I'll get it for you," Jongup says. "You don't have to get up." He's sitting on Himchan's bed in sweatpants and an undershirt, devouring his own tray of breakfast food. He's opted for a more traditional breakfast, but the size and opulence of the tray itself is no less impressive. 

"Thanks," Yongguk manages, as Jongup crosses the room and picks up the tray meant for Yongguk. When he hands it over, Yongguk sees that it's almost exactly what he would have ordered for himself; miso soup, rice, tofu, tamago and fresh vegetables, with an extra serving of coffee and fruit on the side. 

Yongguk looks over at Himchan, who is watching him thoughtfully. "What?" Himchan says. His own breakfast is a large vegetable omelet, but he seems to have gone in for indulgence as well and ordered pancakes on the side. 

"Thanks," Yongguk says again, this time to Himchan. He smiles, and Himchan smiles back at him for a brief second, eyes curled and pleased, before turning back to his breakfast. 

"Of course I know what you like," Himchan says dismissively. "How long have we shared a room when we're away? It's not that hard to order for you." 

"I don't know if anyone else could," Yongguk murmurs, sipping his coffee and leaving it black. 

"Uppie probably could," Himchan says thoughtfully. "I mean, you might not get what you _expected_. But you'd get what he thought you needed.. Like these pancakes, apparently." 

"Sorry hyung," Jongup says, looking at Yongguk with a clear air of regret. "I tried to order pancakes for you too, but I think I just confused the nice lady who came up to take our order."

"It's okay," Yongguk says quickly. "This is perfect. It's just enough."

"But you need more carbs," Jongup says stubbornly. "You should eat some of Himchan hyung's."

"I'm good, really," Yongguk says, or tries to say. He's confronted by a large forkful of pancakes in his face anyway, so he sighs and opens his mouth and lets Himchan feed him. 

"Good," Jongup says, smiling at both of them. 

"I have rice," Yongguk protests, sipping on his coffee. "I don't need more carbs!"

"Look me in the eye and try to tell me these pancakes aren't amazing," Himchan threatens, preparing another large bite. "Do it. Right now."

"They're--they're not--great," Yongguk gets out, before he gives up and just starts giggling. Himchan is making the most ridiculous expression, wiggling his eyebrows and pursing his lips, and behind him Jongup is just watching quietly and smiling to himself. 

"It's nice when you laugh, hyung," Jongup says lightly. 

"Mmmph," Yongguk agrees, as Himchan shoves another bite of pancake in Yongguk's mouth and Yongguk gives up all pretense of fighting back. 

==

The lights of the television studio are bright and blinding, but for the moment the six of them are forgotten in the rush of people around them. Yongguk sits in his assigned spot and watches their hair and makeup artist fight stubbornly with Junhong's fauxhawk while Junhong practices his pronunciation with Youngjae, over and over. 

Himchan leans over to him, nestling his face in Yongguk's shoulder, close enough to be private but not so close that his bb cream wipes off on Yongguk's jacket collar. 

"You're so much happier lately," Himchan murmurs, in his low voice. "It's nice."

Yongguk turns his own head, mirroring Himchan's movements and ducking his head down so no one can read their lips. "I'm sorry," Yongguk says softly. "I know I wasn't--much fun to be around. I know I haven't been much fun to be around lately." 

"You say that like I'm not used to you and your cranky artist moods." Himchan gives him a ghost of a smile. 

"I was just...thinking about some things," Yongguk says slowly. He doesn't know how to put the lightness he's been feeling lately into words; all he knows is that something has been washed away, something thick and dark that he'd been holding onto and hiding inside of himself for a long time. All he knows is that suddenly he's not consumed with jealousy anymore and the world seems rife with strange possibilities. 

Not that he's not still jealous, he muses, watching Himchan absentmindedly draw his thumb across the back of Jongup's neck as Jongup ignores everyone else in favor of his iPod. It just--doesn't seem as dire. It's no longer constricting around his lungs and preventing him from breathing. 

"Thinking about some things," Himchan drawls back at him. "You're always so good with words, Bang Yongguk-sshi." Yongguk grins, elbowing Himchan in the tender spot right beneath his ribs. Himchan jumps, yelping, and slaps Yongguk on the shoulder. 

"If either of you ruin your makeup right now, I will make your lives a living hell," their makeup hyung says, casually but very firmly. He frowns at Junhong's hair as though it is refusing to stay up in order to personally spite him. 

"Then tell Yongguk to stop elbowing me," Himchan says primly, defiant to the end.

==

The morning of the concert they're all at the venue at 9am, barely-awake and yawning as they bow to the seemingly endless supply of venue staff. Their own backstage team has been here all night, working to put up the giant rig needed for their show as soon as the last artist had taken theirs down.

They're ready for the first run-through by noon. It's a long process, one that's constantly halted by the technical teams making adjustments to the new venue. The sound isn't quite up to par, and the lighting spots all need to be adjusted roughly ten degrees to the left. They run through their scenes and their songs over and over, using the repetition as an excuse to practice their choreography and think up a few new surprises for the fans. 

Yongguk is generally confident about his choreo, so he's surprised to feel a light touch on his shoulder after they perform one of their new singles. "Ah, hyung," Jongup says, "Ah, I think there might be a part where you're not quite…" he trails off, smiling at Yongguk.

"Oh," Yongguk says, blinking. "Thanks, Jongguppie. Show me?" They're all used to Jongup's gentle reminders, to his casual way of explaining when a move isn't working or when one of them is just slightly off the beat. 

"It's this part," Jongup says, suddenly all business as he moves to stand behind Yongguk. His hands come up to frame Yongguk's hips and Yongguk thinks oh, because Jongup usually isn't a very touchy person. Now he's close enough that Yongguk can feel his warm breath on the back of Yongguk's neck, and it's making something warm and liquid stir in Yongguk's stomach.

"So we go like--one-and-two-and-one-and-two and--there," Jonggup suddenly says, sliding his hand down to the back of Yongguk's thigh and taking the scenic route along the way. Part of Yongguk's brain is pointing out frantically that yes, his knee was bent outwards instead of inwards, and maybe Jongup just wanted to bring his attention to it; the other part of his brain is mostly just stunned, because Jongup just _grabbed his ass_.

"Right," Yongguk chokes out. "Oh. That hip is supposed to be facing in, isn't it."

"Yup," Jongup says. He squeezes the hand on the back of Yongguk's thigh and then slides it back up to Yongguk's hip again. When Yongguk turns to look at Jongup over his shoulder, Jongup gives him an innocent look--innocent, but tinged with heat, lurking just at the edges of his smile. 

Yongguk swallows, and tries not to think about what that might mean. He has a show to put on and mistakes to fix and he can't afford to get distracted by the fact that Jongup is--is---

\---is _flirting_ with him. 

They run through the set a few more times, always with Jongup's hands on Yongguk's hip, his warm palms that never seem to get sweaty. It's hot under the stage lights, and Jongup is very close; Yongguk can smell him, that strange combination of shampoo and skin and deodorant that his brain registers simply as _Jongup_.

It shouldn't be turning him on as much as it is. 

They keep running through their paces and even though Jongup is correcting the other members as well---and Himchan is pointing out when someone is flat, and Junhong is quietly repositioning his hyungs into the right spots when he thinks they won't notice--it seems as though Yongguk is getting _everything_ wrong today. It seems as though there is always some excuse for Jongup to touch him, to run his palms along Yongguk's bicep or his hip or his thigh. 

By the time they finish the run-through, Yongguk is distracted, blushing, and deeply grateful that he chose to wear jeans instead of sweatpants. 

\--

Yongguk winces to himself in the green room, rolling his shoulder and trying to get the knots in his muscles to unwind. The second run-through had been far faster and easier, as both the band and the crew had worked out all the kinks beforehand. All the kinks except the one in Yongguk's shoulder, apparently, which is stubbornly refusing to budge no matter what Yongguk does. 

"Hyung, does your shoulder hurt?" Junhong says, frowning as he notices Yongguk grimacing. "Do you want me to try and rub it for you?" 

"It's fine," Yongguk sighs. "It's just annoying, that's all." 

"Don't listen to Yongguk," Himchan tells Junhong, walking into the room carrying a small bento box from catering. " _Never_ listen to Bang Yongguk when he's talking about his own health. Yongguk, come here, I'll rub the knot out." 

" _You_ come here," Yongguk says, still trying to get the muscle to relax on his own. It's nothing that's going to ruin his performance, but that doesn't mean it doesn't ache. "I don't feel like getting up." 

"Fine," Himchan sighs, setting his food down on the small coffee table. "Jonggupie-yah!" He calls out louder than necessary, so loud that other members of their staff turn at look at him. Himchan just shrugs at them until they go back to whatever they were doing. 

Jongup saunters into the room, holding a cup of tea and quirking an inquisitive eyebrow at Himchan. 

"Yongguk has a knot in his shoulder," Himchan says, pointing with the back of his hand instead of his chopsticks, because Himchan actually pays attention when they're coached on etiquette. "Would you mind rubbing it out? Do you have time?" 

"Sure," Jongup says, shrugging as he moves to stand behind Yongguk. The sofa that Yongguk is seated on has a low back, so Jongup has unrestricted access to Yongguk's muscles through his thin T-shirt. "I don't mind. I'm better at it then you anyway." 

"Brat," Himchan mutters through his mouthful of rice.

Jongup _hmmms_ in reply. Yongguk closes his eyes and tries to enjoy the unexpected luxury of Jongup's hands smoothing over his muscles and identifying the knots. Jongup is by far the best at giving back rubs, but he says they make his hands hurt, so he's not as willing to offer them as Junhong or Himchan. 

"Ah," Jongup murmurs. "This one is actually up in your neck, hyung."

"No it's not," Yongguk says. "It's in my shoulder." It takes actual effort to make sure the words come out as more than just a pleased groan. Jongup is extraordinarily good with his hands.

"Yeah, but your shoulder is connected to your neck," Jongup says. "See?" He suddenly pinches a pressure point at the base of Yongguk's neck, where his head meets his shoulder, and Yongguk lets out a very unmanly yelp. The room bursts into laughter and even Yongguk can't help but join in. 

"That's not fair," Yongguk says, snickering even as Jongup pushes Yongguk's head gently forward and down, so his neck is bared and Yongguk's chin is pressed to his chest. "You shouldn't do that to your hyung." 

"Sorry," Jongup says, not sounding sorry at all. 

Yongguk closes his eyes as Jongup's thumbs work strong circles into the thick muscles at the base of Yongguk's skull. Jongup's hands are framing Yongguk's face, fingers lightly resting along Yongguk's jaw line. Yongguk is suddenly reminded of earlier that afternoon, of the feeling of Jongup's hands on his skin and Jongup's not-quite-smirk, pleased and catlike.

"There," Jongup murmurs, as something suddenly untwists underneath his thumbs, leaving Yongguk breathless. "See?" Jongup rubs that spot until it's almost painful, and then begins to trail his thumbs down the column of Yongguk's spine, framing each notch with his fingertips. 

Yongguk tells himself very firmly that he is not going to get a hard-on from Jongup massaging his neck in the middle of the green room.

"Better?" Jongup murmurs, far too close to Yongguk's ear. His breath is warm, smelling of the honey tea he's been drinking, and Yongguk shivers. 

"Much," Yongguk murmurs back, suddenly aware that his voice has dropped an octave. He glances up, but no one is paying attention to them--Himchan and Daehyun are eating together and talking about some seasonal delicacy they want to try, Youngjae is texting someone on his phone, and Junhong is nowhere to be seen. 

"See, hyung, and now…" Jongup's hands move down to Yongguk's shoulder, and Yongguk can instantly feel the difference. The knot unwinds easily. Yongguk finds himself curling into Jongup's hands, wishing that they were alone and that maybe this could lead to---something. Yongguk doesn't know. It _feels_ like something, with Jongup's hands warm on his skin and Jongup's fingers moving at once firmly and suggestively. When Junhong or Himchan try to give back massages, they tend to pinch or leave accidental friction burns; this massage feels like foreplay disguised as helpfulness. 

"Thanks," Yongguk says, trying to keep his breathing even by the time Jongup is done. Every nerve in his body is on fire. Normally he'd go run laps around the building or slip off somewhere private and take care of his problem, but they've got a show to put on and Youngjae and Daehyun are already being called into the makeup chairs. Yongguk will need to push this feeling down and let it sit low in his bones until he's onstage and he can let it out in front of a crowd of thousands.

"Any time, hyung," Jongup says, still so close that his breath whispers along the back of Yongguk's neck before he moves away. 

_It's just going to be a good show,_ Yongguk tells himself, closing his eyes and willing himself to settle down long enough that he can grab something to eat. _It's just going to be a really, really good show. That's all._

\--

The concert that night is louder and more raucous than any concert they've held in Japan so far. They're riding high on the wave of a new single and their fans have finally seemed to realize that it's okay to let loose a little at their shows. The whole band is hyped up on nerves, adrenaline and caffeine, and it shows. Every time they run off stage to change outfits Yongguk finds himself grinning helplessly at one of his bandmates, only to see them smiling just as wide right back. There is something wonderful and infectious in the air. 

They're still riding that high when they finally arrive back at their hotel, tired but sated, bellies full of tea, sushi, and hot sake. Yongguk doesn't know what time it is and he doesn't really care. They need to sleep and then wake up tomorrow morning, film some quick segments for their next DVD, and do it all over again. He feels a helpless smile break out on his face at the thought.

"What are you smiling about," Himchan drawls, as they squish into several elevators with the rest of the crew.

"Nothing," Yongguk says, grinning at him. Himchan smiles back until they're both laughing at nothing and at everything. 

"Wait," Himchan says, holding Yongguk back as they reach their floor. No one seems to notice that they're not following. Himchan quickly taps the button to close the door, and then hits the button labeled "roof."

"What are you doing?"

"Just wait and see," Himchan says. "I want to show you something." 

The elevator ride is quiet and smooth as they rise ever higher. Yongguk finds himself wondering exactly how many floors this hotel even has when the elevator slides to a halt and the doors open smoothly. 

"I found this yesterday," Himchan says, laughing as he pulls Yongguk out of the elevator, warm fingers closed around his wrist. Yongguk stares in astonishment. They're in a lush, leafy entranceway, with a winding path leading past an upscale bar with muted lighting and a handful of patrons. The room itself is beautiful. Small fig trees and other indoor plants rise almost to the ceiling, as if to make up for the lack of greenery outside. 

"You want to keep drinking?" Yongguk guesses, as Himchan leads him deeper into the room. They're not really dressed for this sort of place, but no one gives them more than second glance. Yongguk suspects this part of the hotel is probably accessible only with a key card, meaning they've already passed the test. 

"If you want," Himchan says, shrugging. "I really just wanted to show you this part." He leads Yongguk past a few high bar tables, pushing open what Yongguk suddenly realizes is a large pair of almost-seamless glass doors. They open onto an equally lush patio, equipped with outdoor warming towers and more seasonally-appropriate foliage. 

"Wow," Yongguk says, as Himchan tugs him to the very edge of the railing. They're alone on the patio, and all of Tokyo is spread out below them, reaching to the very horizon. The lights twinkle in an ever changing pattern. They're surrounded by other high-rise buildings, of course, but some building planner had obviously seen an opportunity, because from this particular direction, there's a corridor that affords a view out into the farther reaches of Tokyo and into the suburbs and farther beyond. 

The wind is sweet and cool, and Yongguk looks over to see Himchan shrugging his sweatshirt tighter under his light leather jacket. "Isn't it beautiful?" Himchan says, when he sees Yongguk looking. "I wanted to at least bring you up here. I couldn't keep it to myself." 

"It is beautiful," Yongguk says. Standing here, at the very edge of the balcony, he feels weightless and endless, like they could just step out into the night sky. He swallows against a lump in his throat, rising sudden and unbidden. "Thank you." 

Himchan nods. A small smile graces his features as he looks out at the scene below them, the wind ruffling his hair. "I mean it, you know," he says, after a few moments of comfortable silence. "When I always say that I never want to have any regrets." 

"I know you do," Yongguk says. It's something they've always shared, despite their apparent outward differences. 

"It's not just for the big things, though," Himchan says. "I've been thinking about it a lot. Like, that's how I found this place --I was looking at the button all day yesterday, wondering what was up here, and if I should press it or not. And then finally I just thought, 'screw it.' " He laughs, wide and amused. "And I ended up here." 

"Then I think it's a pretty good life philosophy," Yongguk says. 

"Yeah." Himchan smiles again, small and private. "I guess I just wanted to know if you...really felt the same way." 

Yongguk blinks in confusion. "I do. I just said that."

Himchan turns to look at him. His eyes are calm and clear, but his forehead is pulled tight, pinched in the way it always is when he's anxious about something. "There are larger things in life than just pushing an elevator button," he says. "There are chances you take that can be far more dangerous. That leave you with much more to lose." 

Yongguk swallows, running his teeth over his bottom lip, letting it catch for a moment. "There's no one here but us," he says, eventually. They're close enough that their shoulders are touching; they're hidden by the trees and shrubs from the rest of the bar. "Say it out loud."

Himchan laughs. "Do I really need to say it?" he says, and then somehow his mouth is closer than it was before. Close enough to kiss, almost, as though he's waiting for Yongguk to take that final step. To move that one inch and lean in and change everything they've ever known about each other. 

"Yes," Yongguk breathes out, letting his own eyes fall closed. He moves on instinct, a hand sliding down to Himchan's hip, turning him towards Yongguk as their lips meet. Himchan's mouth is warm, a striking contrast between their chilled skin and the wind that whips past them. Yongguk hears a sigh, a soft noise, and then Himchan is pulling him closer and letting his mouth fall open, deepening the kiss. 

When Himchan finally pulls away he rests his forehead against Yongguk's and tangles their fingers together. He laughs, short and happy. "Maybe I'm just avoiding it because I don't know what to say," he admits, his voice low and pleased. "Saying 'we like you' doesn't really seem like...enough. It's more than that." 

Yongguk nods. "Yeah," he says softly. "I know what you mean." 

"It's just--the three of us," Himchan continues. "We all work together. You know? We always have. We all balance each other out." 

Yongguk swallows. "Are you sure?" he says. "This kind of thing really isn't…" He's not sure how to end his sentence. It's not done, it's not "normal," for any definition of normal that he can think of. But he can also hear Natasha's words rising out of his memory, soft and dreamlike. Telling him to take his chances. To live his life with no regrets. 

"I'm not sure," Himchan says. "But we--Jongup and I--we just. We think it's worth a shot." Himchan's cheek brushes up against Yongguk's, soft and gentle. Yongguk squeezes his hand back. "You know I wouldn't be asking you if I didn't think if I didn't think it would work out."

"Then let's try it," Yongguk says, feeling a smile starting to break out on his face. "No regrets, right?"

"Yeah," Himchan says, kissing Yongguk quick and light, a smile curving his mouth and whispering through into the kiss. "We should--come on, let's go."

"Oh," Yongguk says, blinking. "We're, um--right _now_?"

Himchan blinks at him. "Well, I did give Jongup my key card." 

Yongguk snorts in amusement. "You're getting cocky in your old age."

"I've always been cocky," Himchan says, raising an eyebrow at him. "It's one of the reasons I need you and Jonguppie around." 

"Jonguppie, maybe," Yongguk says. He presses a kiss to Himchan's forehead. "I think I'm probably just as cocky as you are, sometimes." 

"Then we both need him," Himchan says, tugging on Yongguk's hand, leaving their hands clasped together. "And I think we've left him waiting long enough." 

"He's probably playing that game he's so obsessed with," Yongguk says, conveniently not mentioning that he's also now a level 26 player in that same game, and that he and Jongup have been lending each other monsters to help each other out. 

"Probably," Himchan says, shrugging. "But I suspect you're more interesting to him than some game. Just a feeling I have." 

Yongguk laughs. "Well," he says, fishing his key card out of his wallet and handing it to Himchan as they head towards to the elevator. "Lead the way, then. I trust your good judgement." 

"You probably shouldn't," Himchan says, as they step into the elevator and the doors close behind them. "We have 46 floors to go, and I intend to spend all of those making out with you." He leans in closer, pressing an unresisting Yongguk up against the wall. Yongguk lets his hands fall to Himchan's hips.

"What did I say about good judgement?" Yongguk says, laughing into the kiss. "Who says I'm complaining?"

"Just checking," Himchan says, smiling and smoothing his thumb over the crest of Yongguk's cheekbone as the elevator begins to take them down, down, down.


End file.
